enough

I've had enough. I fail to understand the fact that when I call, or according to some random best friend, when anybody calls, chances are you'd be doing something else. When someone calls they expect undivided attention most of the time. I call because I care, I want to hear what's been going on in your life. Instead I hear you talk and the talking is directed at someone else. The constant "hey" and "hello" just to get your attention is grating on my nerves. Is that a character flaw I should look at? That you're constantly trying to do everything at once? I wish I knew. I wish I didn't like you as much as I do...

John Legend - Save Room

These words constantly swirl in my heard, if only you knew

doubtful

I give up. Rather I'm on the verge of giving up. I called cos it was my birthday. Sure I turn 26. Thought it would be a good birthday gift to myself, to hear your voice. Maybe you didn't wish me happy birthday cos you already did so when you saw me online. Instant messaging someone doesn't count. Well it was rather forced, you must admit. Had to coerce it outta you. Can't say I enjoyed it.

Maybe it was the combination of my birthday and and the fact that I didn't get enough sleep; I started to reminisce. About my young and carefree days as a 5 year old. About how my aunts and uncles would squeeze into a 3 room flat when I was under my granny's care. About how I got ostracised when I got my results from my 1st semester in primary one cos I got 8th place and not the top 3. My granny as well my aunts gave me so much grief on that day that it probably scarred me deeply till this day. Only when mom came home did she provide me with the comfort I so desperately needed.

I then asked for response only to get a "huh, sorry I was watching TV." I was crushed. I wish you would do more talking. I sorta thought that aloud. You said, " but I don't know what to say". I was dissapointed, almost to the point of disgust. To think that you were that disinterested. Was I being too sensitive? Maybe, but i doubt it.

passion

It didn't take long for you to pick up this time. I was glad. There wasn't a time I would call and think to myself, "I wish she wouldn't pick up the phone." That would just be silly.

I caught you at a good time. You just came back the movie Flag of our fathers. To think I was gonna call you an hour earlier.

So I was mistaken. That dinner date with the bus driver didn't happen. Was never gonna happen. Hey, I wouldn't think anything about a 8 year difference. But apparently you do.

The mundane chatter came. To tell you the truth I hate it. Cos its just space-fillers. I do the filling most of the time. I wanna hear you talk. I want to know what you feel, think and ponder about. What drives you. What fulfils you. What turns you on. And finally I hit jackpot. We talk about work. Not just "work" work, more like the people at work. The people that inspire you. People with passion. People with drive. Peolple who have made it big. You enjoy your work because people see how hardworking you are. That you enjoy where you work and at what you do. That people see the potential enough that they are willing to spend $100k for a 5 year working visa for you. I am impressed, to say the least.

"Why not do it then? The money's good." " Too long...I wanna stay with my family," you said. I begin to make a wrong move. The 1st step towards a chess game with me getting checkmate. I start with how it would be wise to look at working elsewhere aside from our homeland. Where the money is better, there is a better political voice from the people and there is greater tarnsparency with the government. The fact that our democracy is joke. I want good things for my family. The fact that our retirement ages have been pushed up so that our government can give us our super back later due to lousy overseas investments is rather blatant. That we are ranked 147th by the RSF tells us of our lack of a free press. That our government is not all that transparent. Then came the challenge. "Well, if you say there is a lack of transparency, surely there is a basis for comparison." I don't give an example of a country where there is more transparency, I give one of less. "Well Cambodia would be a bad example. The guy in charge sells the property of its citizens-property which is rightfully owned by the people, to developers behind their backs." Check.

"I'm gonna stay. I'm grateful for what my country has given me", you say. " I let out a wry laugh. "Looks like nothing I say now will make me NOT look like ungrateful bastard." Don't get me wrong. I'm grateful for my education. The roof over my head. But there is something wrong about our political system. The party isn't ruled by bad people. It's just that the issues faced by the current generation isn't what it used to be. A political party that rose to power by delivering on its promises during turbulent times-food, shelter, economic stability, law and order, was good then. Disciplining a nation, if you might.Not now though. You would talk differently to a 5 year old compared to a 25 year old,wouldn't you? The parent silences the voice of the 25 year old with duct tape. The 25 year old has hands. You amputate his arms and he has feet. You cut those off, and he will use his tongue to remove the duct tape. And mind you, getting the duct tape off hurts. This pain he will remember and remember it well. When he does have a voice he will shout. And shout loudly he will.

"Just look at Chiam," I say. "Can we both agree on the fact that he's trying to do good by the people?" I take your silence as a yes. "So can you tell me why his constituency looks like a slum?" Your reply rattles me. "Hey, that's life. Good things happen to bad people. We just have to take it as it is." I begin to wonder if you were as left as I thought you were. "So to you the Government and the ruling party are the same?" The reply was yes. "Then that's all I needed to know." I said. "Hey, are you on facebook?" you ask. "I thought that was an american thing. Is there facebook.com.au?" Just then the mobile rings. An unimportant called I should've ignored. I ask you to wait for moment. By the time I came back to the phone you were gone. Check.

I had to ask Heather a few questions regarding work. But our conversation still gnawed at me. Before I left I asked,"Is it a bad idea to talk about politics with the person you're interested in?" Her reply was that it would be good to find out because what kind of political inclinations that 2 people have determines their compatibility in a way. A person's political beliefs is a manifestation of their inherent nature. A left and and a right will never get along.
And to think that I thought opposites attract. Checkmate.

hopeful

This could jolly well be phone conversation #XXXX but let's call it #1. The day my life which was a mess, the day I called hoping to have some semblance of a conversation with you. Don't get me wrong, I love calling you. I love hearing your voice. But you say so little. And when you do say something it's not hugely important. Details really. You keep your cards close to your heart. For fear of someone discovering what lies within and like a thief in the night, steals away what little that you guard, that little bit within all of us, that little bit of dignity, that little bit of self-respect, that little bit we lay bare when we let someone into our heart.

Today was no different. I called with no expectation of you picking up. It's like going to the casino; you go expecting to lose but when you walk out a winner it's some sort of a bonus. But you do and the dance begins.

I read this a couple of days before and I was slightly concerned. Slightly because I know you're a strong woman. I like you for a lot of reasons, one of which includes your mental resolve. The call begins with me asking you about the incident, asking you if the whole ordeal was embarrassing. Turns out there were only the 2 of you on the bus. And it seems like you guys are on the way to being fast friends, seeing that a dinner date was on the way.

You're occupied, as usual. I hear friends in the background. I don't really care. I just wanna hear you talk. The conversation doesn't necessarily have to involve me. You read out something in mandarin. I let out a smile. I've never heard you speak in mandarin before. And to hear you read out a whole passage, thats was absolute gold.

You ask me about the trip to Melbourne in April. That surprised me. I've asked you a couple of months back and you didn't exactly commit, saying "I'd like to go, depending on my schedule." April 2007 will be a very important time for me, for my best friend is getting married. And I'd like to share that moment with you. And maybe, just maybe , you really wanted to share that moment with me too.

You told me that he called. That you were surprised as he hasn't called in a while. That he wants to get back with you. I try to talk normally but my mind was already racing. I ask you if you were interested. To my knowledge he was a closed chapter in your life. But a little knowlegde is a dangerous thing. Just like pocket aces, they lure you into a false sense of security. And really, what do I know about what you think? Hoping, wishing, praying, almost begging that you would say "no", and you do. I try to be the bigger person. Lies, all lies. I wish I could have you here with me right and tell you that I already know who I want to spend the rest of my life with. But you'd run away, because you're not ready. So I say, "take your time, you can decide later."

The phone call ends, and I resolve to be someone new. Someone godly enough to take care of you. Someone for you to lean on. Someone who tells you you're the most beautiful person in the room and means it. For I have asked God to put a little of me in your heart, that I may occupy a little room within those chambers. Maybe I'm reading too much, but I think you're opening up to me. And for that I can only be hopeful.