hopeful

This could jolly well be phone conversation #XXXX but let's call it #1. The day my life which was a mess, the day I called hoping to have some semblance of a conversation with you. Don't get me wrong, I love calling you. I love hearing your voice. But you say so little. And when you do say something it's not hugely important. Details really. You keep your cards close to your heart. For fear of someone discovering what lies within and like a thief in the night, steals away what little that you guard, that little bit within all of us, that little bit of dignity, that little bit of self-respect, that little bit we lay bare when we let someone into our heart.

Today was no different. I called with no expectation of you picking up. It's like going to the casino; you go expecting to lose but when you walk out a winner it's some sort of a bonus. But you do and the dance begins.

I read this a couple of days before and I was slightly concerned. Slightly because I know you're a strong woman. I like you for a lot of reasons, one of which includes your mental resolve. The call begins with me asking you about the incident, asking you if the whole ordeal was embarrassing. Turns out there were only the 2 of you on the bus. And it seems like you guys are on the way to being fast friends, seeing that a dinner date was on the way.

You're occupied, as usual. I hear friends in the background. I don't really care. I just wanna hear you talk. The conversation doesn't necessarily have to involve me. You read out something in mandarin. I let out a smile. I've never heard you speak in mandarin before. And to hear you read out a whole passage, thats was absolute gold.

You ask me about the trip to Melbourne in April. That surprised me. I've asked you a couple of months back and you didn't exactly commit, saying "I'd like to go, depending on my schedule." April 2007 will be a very important time for me, for my best friend is getting married. And I'd like to share that moment with you. And maybe, just maybe , you really wanted to share that moment with me too.

You told me that he called. That you were surprised as he hasn't called in a while. That he wants to get back with you. I try to talk normally but my mind was already racing. I ask you if you were interested. To my knowledge he was a closed chapter in your life. But a little knowlegde is a dangerous thing. Just like pocket aces, they lure you into a false sense of security. And really, what do I know about what you think? Hoping, wishing, praying, almost begging that you would say "no", and you do. I try to be the bigger person. Lies, all lies. I wish I could have you here with me right and tell you that I already know who I want to spend the rest of my life with. But you'd run away, because you're not ready. So I say, "take your time, you can decide later."

The phone call ends, and I resolve to be someone new. Someone godly enough to take care of you. Someone for you to lean on. Someone who tells you you're the most beautiful person in the room and means it. For I have asked God to put a little of me in your heart, that I may occupy a little room within those chambers. Maybe I'm reading too much, but I think you're opening up to me. And for that I can only be hopeful.