contemplative

I've been thinking about you. A lot. It's the weather, I tell you. I never agreed with winters and Melbourne winters are worse than Adelaide ones due to its geographical position. What I wouldn't give for me to wake up one winter morning and find you beside me. The smell of your ruffled hair. The warmth that emanates from your supple skin. The hushed sound of your breathing in and out....a guy can dream, can he not?

The phone gets picked up after 2 rings. If I didn't know better I would think you were almost waiting for me to call (dreaming, I know).

The background sounds noisy. You mention you are with friends but you can talk. That means a lot to me.

I ask about your day. You give the usual reply, "nothing much". Which to me really means "please draw it out from me". But you do so without too much prompting this time round. You slept till 4 in the arvo because of a previous big night, met a local celebrity and went prawning thereafter. All in all a good friday evening well spent.

I talk about taking up DJing. You take it to mean as a profession. I meant it as a hobby. If a teacher can't provide you stability then a DJ less so. Why decrease my already slim chances. You tell me not to do something on a whim in terms of a career change. I never meant for anything that drastic to happen in the first place.

You mentioned D called you back after my last short-lived conversation with you.(that's why that conversation wasn't noted. I then realised that this thinking is a bit flawed since most conversations are short-lived anyway.) You get all excited at the mention of her.

I ask about your exploits of your organization. You tell me that there's something big coming up in partnership with a huge media mogul. I tell you I'm really excited and proud of you.

Before I know it your present company urges for you. And we bade our farewells. I hang up, counting down the days and the many phonecalls till our meeting in December.

Because words fail me...

divided

"Been trying to get you for days, why would this call be any different?" I thought to myself. But you don't disappoint. That familiar voice quells any anxiety that was present before.

You: Hello?
Me: Hey, how've you been?
You: Not too bad. I've been busy. Just finished an event which gathered the editors of tomorrow.
Me: Wow, you have been busy, Miss Popular and Successful. How did Thursday's event pan out?
You: It was pretty successful.
Me: I read the sponsor list. Very impressive. And you got yourself on the papers.
You: Yeah! News of it has reached silicon valley. And there's gonna be coverage on it on next Tuesday's paper.
Me: Cools! So you met everyone from tomorrow?
You: Almost. A couple couldn't make it.

Just then, click. "Crap!" I thought aloud. You got cut off and I'm back on the dials. You pick up and we continue.

Me: What happened?
You: I don't know, it just got cut off.

Just then someone was heard talking loudly in the background

Me: Who's that in the background?

And before I know it, I got call waiting. It almost has to be important so I wait. And waited. And waited and waited and waited. Before I knew it the phone line got tired of waiting and hung up. "Well, 3rd time lucky," I tell myself. And 3rd time lucky I was.

You: Hey!
Me: Hi. I was waiting for you to put me back on again while I was on call waiting.
You: You were? Sorry but I couldn't hear you just now.
Me: Oh? Doesn't matter. Where were we?

Banter ensues. We talk about mutual friends. Before I knew it I had to let you go.

You: Hey, call me back later?
Me: Nah, it's all right. You probably have a lot on your plate right now. I'll call you soon k?
You: OK, see you...

As I put the phone down. I've come to realise that I will always admire you for the drive that you have.You'll be the mover and shaker. That between the both of us. you definitely be more successful. . I can handle that. Can you?

missing

I was so tired when I called ___ a couple of weeks back. My teaching round took a lot out of me. The frustration, the helplessness of it all took its toll on my body. Don't get me wrong, I love the students I was teaching. It was the workload given by the supervising teachers that my body couldn't agree with. I was silly enough to take 2 classes from each of my 2 supervising teachers. That was double the workload compared to my peers and more than I bargained for.

That night I had a dream I didn't want to wake up from. It was a female form beckoning for me. For all I know, that person could be ___. As I approached, she took my arms and wrapped it round her waist and all we did was just sit, laugh and chat the day away. That to me was pure bliss. But I knew I had to return to the land of the living at some point of time. And I almost dreaded it.

Today is different. Today I called wondering if ___ still needed that favour from me. The only reason why I'm chasing it up is cos of ___. Think about it-why would anyone wanna give up their space in the room just cos they could sleep in their sleeping bag for the sake of 2 random strangers? I'm not that noble,but for ___, anything.

"Oh, it's alright, they're fine. The company that we're interning with made some money so the accommodation's taken care of."

"Interning?" I asked. "Oh yeah, I'm doing an internship with this company which produced a search engine for conferences," ___ say. "That's pretty nifty, given the number of conferences that happen in Singapore," I added.

Me: So where are ___ now?
___: I'm on my way home
Me: Home home? or campus home?
___: Home home. It's the holidays so I'm heading back home. No point staying on campus since the term is over.
Me: Cools. So when will the results be published? Confident of your results?
___: It'd be the end of the month? Around the 24th. Not really confident though...

I try to reassure ___ but my words feel like expired salve that acts as placebo. I change the topic.

Me: Sorry I haven't been updating our conversations. It's just been crazy...
___: Well it's always possible to record this and put this as a podcast...
Me: I guess. But I'm not recording it. Are ___?
___: I am actually...
Me: Really?
___: No, just kidding, hehe
Me: I don't know about ___, but I would be freaked out if somewhere to be recording our conversation. I'm sure it could be done if ___ wanted to. What mobile are ___ using now?
___: Nah, I don't have that function. I'm using the LG chocolate.

Somehow the geek in me decided to talk about the touch-pad function and how it's affected by the temperature. I decided to steer it to to a more personal note when the line of conversation fizzled...

"Remember how I told ___ I went for a stand-up competition? It actually happened because of this assignment in which we could submit in anyway way, shape or form, as long as it explores our identities as a teacher. The facilitator for that topic is actually moving to Singapore. I'd love for ___ to meet her is the opportunity ever arises."

The prospect is greeted with enthusiasm by ___. That note of affirmation touches me. I've always wanted to bring important people in my life for a meet-up. I have no idea why. For as long as I could remember I'm always showing Wency off to others. The prospect of the person who has most inspired me at this point of my life meeting someone whom I wish to be more of a permanent fixture in my life somehow excites me.

"So are __ in the transit?" I queried. "I'm actually with my dad in the car," came the reply. "Oh, ___ should've said something. I wouldn't have kept ___ otherwise. ___ had better go," I said reluctantly.

"Yeah, we'll talk again." I hear a softness in your voice that I don't normally detect. Maybe its just sensitive old me. Click

As I put down the phone, there was this certain tinge of longing. Something was lacking, missing. Then I realised it had to be YOU...

wish you were here

My best friend got married today


Wish you were here to tell me everything's gonna be all right.

comfortable

"This is gonna cost," I tell myself. Mobile phone charges are astronomical as it is in Australia. Moreover I'm gonna be calling overseas. But then again, I wasn't expecting to be too long on the phone. Heck, you might not even pick up. We'll probably have a few minutes of awkward conversation with me wishing you happy birthday as the highlight of it all.

You pick up after 2 beeps (though it felt like forever) and suddenly, the slight drizzle over Melbourne city felt refreshing rather than dampening.

Me: Hey! Happy birthday!
You: Hey, thanks!

At that point there was a unfamiliar comfort that I have never felt before that's present in your relaxed tone. Maybe cos it's your birthday that you really didn't care who your well-wishers were. One thing's for sure, you sounded happy and that's all that mattered to me.

Me: So how are you gonna celebrate tonight?
You: I'm actually heading to church.
Me: Oh? You're gonna be celebrating with your friends at church?
You: Maybe. But it's more so because of an event at church that I'm going for.
Me: Cools. I'm sorry I didn't organise a gift for you. I've been so busy...
You: That's allright...
Me: So what presents have you received so far? Aside from the one Dawn gave you...
You: Haha, I've received nothing up to this point.
Me: Really? wow...
You: Oh wait, I did get something from my sister from Victoria's secret.
Me: Cools. Now that's something I couldn't get you. There was this perfume I was gonna get you though. It's a new fragrance by Prada called Prada Tendre. Pretty fresh cos its aimed at the younger crowd. Would have been a better choice aside from DKNY Be delicious.
You: I quite like that fragrance. Never gotten around to getting it.
Me: Yeah, I remember you telling me that, which was why I went to have a sniff of it in the first place. Never got around to getting you a bottle. (Incidentally I also remember that you use D&G's Light blue)
You: That's allright.
Me: Say, you picked up the phone pretty quickly this time.
You: Yeah, I knew that it was you.
Me: (surprised) You did? You mean my mobile number is actually appearing on your caller ID?

Truth be told, I was just surprised you had my Australian mobile number stored in your mobile.

You: Yeah. I usually don't pick up from random numbers that I don't recognise cos I'm being stalked recently.
Me: Hey, that's no surprise. You are Miss Popular after all. Would you consider me your stalker?
You: No way, you're not one. (Obviously the self-deprecation wasn't appreciated.)

Feelings of wanting to be your stalwart knight fending off miscreants come to be mind, but the stark reality is I'm a continent away and there are better applicants.

Then it happened.

Me: Hey, I just wanted to let you know I appreciate your friendship. Deep down in my heart of hearts that we won't be together, not in the near future anyway. Which is why i still want to keep this blog going.
You: Yeah, I totally appreciate what you're doing for me.
Me: Hehe...thanks. I had a post recently...
You: Really? (that tone of wonder never ceases to amaze me or fails to brighten my day) I didn't think we had an opportunity to talk...
Me: Yeah we did. You were too busy to notice I guess...

I guess verbalising those words were a powerful release for me. No false expectations, just honest to goodness truth. More importantly I want to let you know how much you mean
to me. The comfort level that I felt was icing on the cake really. And maybe, just maybe, this could be the conversation to change it all.

Reserved

2 weeks ago, something happened. Your best friend hit a nerve.

me: Well if I'm gonna bring her (read: you) over to Melbourne, I'll probably need 2K.
D: Why? Air tickets don't cost that much.
me: Yeah, true. I wanna take her ballooning though...
D: Will you stop with the romantic shit already? It's not like u doing it will make any of this come to fruition. So she was impressed by your blog. But it's more like a instant reaction than anything else. A grand gesture that was, at best, appreciated for the moment.

Maybe that's the reason for this entry. I'd be lying if I said I don't have anything to prove. And what exactly what am I trying to prove? My persistence? After hitting a brick wall time after time? Or is stupidity a better term? Maybe I just wanna let you know that I am active in my pursuit of you, albeit a more subtle and less in-your-face approach.

Over time I tend to not say what I really feel cos I know of that barrier that gets automatically erected by you when faced with an uncomfortable disposition. But it's only human to do it and I don't blame you. I do it too. So I got another practice run of being reserved, or learning to be so, yesterday.

me: hey...
you: hey, wassup?
me: nothing, I called because...I can... (which really means I called because I miss you)
you: oh, okay...(awkward laugh ensues)
me: I tried calling you back the other day after your test but nobody picked up
you: test? what test? I've been going through so many tests of late, it's been crazy...
me: you know, the online test you were taking the other day...

At that point I was informed that it was more of an aptitude test for an internship. It doesn't take a genius to figure out how passionate you were over this. A raised tone, faster speech. The subtleties, or should I say the obvious signs, were not unnoticed. You mention the various openings- some start-ups, others more well-established. You go through the pros and cons and I was just happy to listen.

I then mention a faux pas on my part. I greeted an aquantaince with "hello gorgeous" when I was reminded of our relationship-aquantainces. I assumed it wasn't much of an issue as the locals wouldn't so much bat an eyelid. it was meant to be a compliment but after that greeting I was termed "cheeky". The English can be an uptight bunch. Having interacted with said lady for a couple weeks now, with extended trips to the beach (along with a bunch of other sun worshipping people) an hour away from Melbourne, I thought the familiarity was there-obviously I thought wrong. I then mention my peeling skin due to sunburn, which you reply with mock disgust.

Then silence. If but for a second. Something I've never been comfortable with. Maybe it's the inherent asian trait that dislikes the awkwardness that's associated with it. I mention that I should get to bed and you best get back to studying. Nothing more of excuse really. You ask me what time is it over there and I mention the 3 hour time difference. What I take as a sign of you prolonging the conversation becomes an illusion as you say "bye" with lightning quick efficiency. I do the same, asking you to take care. As I hang up the phone, I mentally kicking myself for cutting short the conversation while simultaneously reminding myself that there is always a next time. Maybe. Hopefully. Reservedly.