when will you say yes, o gorgeous stranger

contemplative

2007-06-24T22:24:00.000+08:00

I've been thinking about you. A lot. It's the weather, I tell you. I never agreed with winters and Melbourne winters are worse than Adelaide ones due to its geographical position. What I wouldn't give for me to wake up one winter morning and find you beside me. The smell of your ruffled hair. The warmth that emanates from your supple skin. The hushed sound of your breathing in and out....a guy can dream, can he not?

The phone gets picked up after 2 rings. If I didn't know better I would think you were almost waiting for me to call (dreaming, I know).

The background sounds noisy. You mention you are with friends but you can talk. That means a lot to me.

I ask about your day. You give the usual reply, "nothing much". Which to me really means "please draw it out from me". But you do so without too much prompting this time round. You slept till 4 in the arvo because of a previous big night, met a local celebrity and went prawning thereafter. All in all a good friday evening well spent.

I talk about taking up DJing. You take it to mean as a profession. I meant it as a hobby. If a teacher can't provide you stability then a DJ less so. Why decrease my already slim chances. You tell me not to do something on a whim in terms of a career change. I never meant for anything that drastic to happen in the first place.

You mentioned D called you back after my last short-lived conversation with you.(that's why that conversation wasn't noted. I then realised that this thinking is a bit flawed since most conversations are short-lived anyway.) You get all excited at the mention of her.

I ask about your exploits of your organization. You tell me that there's something big coming up in partnership with a huge media mogul. I tell you I'm really excited and proud of you.

Before I know it your present company urges for you. And we bade our farewells. I hang up, counting down the days and the many phonecalls till our meeting in December.

Because words fail me...

2007-05-30T21:04:00.000+08:00

divided

2007-05-27T12:33:00.000+08:00

"Been trying to get you for days, why would this call be any different?" I thought to myself. But you don't disappoint. That familiar voice quells any anxiety that was present before.

You: Hello?
Me: Hey, how've you been?
You: Not too bad. I've been busy. Just finished an event which gathered the editors of tomorrow.
Me: Wow, you have been busy, Miss Popular and Successful. How did Thursday's event pan out?
You: It was pretty successful.
Me: I read the sponsor list. Very impressive. And you got yourself on the papers.
You: Yeah! News of it has reached silicon valley. And there's gonna be coverage on it on next Tuesday's paper.
Me: Cools! So you met everyone from tomorrow?
You: Almost. A couple couldn't make it.

Just then, click. "Crap!" I thought aloud. You got cut off and I'm back on the dials. You pick up and we continue.

Me: What happened?
You: I don't know, it just got cut off.

Just then someone was heard talking loudly in the background

Me: Who's that in the background?

And before I know it, I got call waiting. It almost has to be important so I wait. And waited. And waited and waited and waited. Before I knew it the phone line got tired of waiting and hung up. "Well, 3rd time lucky," I tell myself. And 3rd time lucky I was.

You: Hey!
Me: Hi. I was waiting for you to put me back on again while I was on call waiting.
You: You were? Sorry but I couldn't hear you just now.
Me: Oh? Doesn't matter. Where were we?

Banter ensues. We talk about mutual friends. Before I knew it I had to let you go.

You: Hey, call me back later?
Me: Nah, it's all right. You probably have a lot on your plate right now. I'll call you soon k?
You: OK, see you...

As I put the phone down. I've come to realise that I will always admire you for the drive that you have.You'll be the mover and shaker. That between the both of us. you definitely be more successful. . I can handle that. Can you?

missing

2007-05-16T23:00:00.000+08:00

I was so tired when I called ___ a couple of weeks back. My teaching round took a lot out of me. The frustration, the helplessness of it all took its toll on my body. Don't get me wrong, I love the students I was teaching. It was the workload given by the supervising teachers that my body couldn't agree with. I was silly enough to take 2 classes from each of my 2 supervising teachers. That was double the workload compared to my peers and more than I bargained for.

That night I had a dream I didn't want to wake up from. It was a female form beckoning for me. For all I know, that person could be ___. As I approached, she took my arms and wrapped it round her waist and all we did was just sit, laugh and chat the day away. That to me was pure bliss. But I knew I had to return to the land of the living at some point of time. And I almost dreaded it.

Today is different. Today I called wondering if ___ still needed that favour from me. The only reason why I'm chasing it up is cos of ___. Think about it-why would anyone wanna give up their space in the room just cos they could sleep in their sleeping bag for the sake of 2 random strangers? I'm not that noble,but for ___, anything.

"Oh, it's alright, they're fine. The company that we're interning with made some money so the accommodation's taken care of."

"Interning?" I asked. "Oh yeah, I'm doing an internship with this company which produced a search engine for conferences," ___ say. "That's pretty nifty, given the number of conferences that happen in Singapore," I added.

Me: So where are ___ now?
___: I'm on my way home
Me: Home home? or campus home?
___: Home home. It's the holidays so I'm heading back home. No point staying on campus since the term is over.
Me: Cools. So when will the results be published? Confident of your results?
___: It'd be the end of the month? Around the 24th. Not really confident though...

I try to reassure ___ but my words feel like expired salve that acts as placebo. I change the topic.

Me: Sorry I haven't been updating our conversations. It's just been crazy...
___: Well it's always possible to record this and put this as a podcast...
Me: I guess. But I'm not recording it. Are ___?
___: I am actually...
Me: Really?
___: No, just kidding, hehe
Me: I don't know about ___, but I would be freaked out if somewhere to be recording our conversation. I'm sure it could be done if ___ wanted to. What mobile are ___ using now?
___: Nah, I don't have that function. I'm using the LG chocolate.

Somehow the geek in me decided to talk about the touch-pad function and how it's affected by the temperature. I decided to steer it to to a more personal note when the line of conversation fizzled...

"Remember how I told ___ I went for a stand-up competition? It actually happened because of this assignment in which we could submit in anyway way, shape or form, as long as it explores our identities as a teacher. The facilitator for that topic is actually moving to Singapore. I'd love for ___ to meet her is the opportunity ever arises."

The prospect is greeted with enthusiasm by ___. That note of affirmation touches me. I've always wanted to bring important people in my life for a meet-up. I have no idea why. For as long as I could remember I'm always showing Wency off to others. The prospect of the person who has most inspired me at this point of my life meeting someone whom I wish to be more of a permanent fixture in my life somehow excites me.

"So are __ in the transit?" I queried. "I'm actually with my dad in the car," came the reply. "Oh, ___ should've said something. I wouldn't have kept ___ otherwise. ___ had better go," I said reluctantly.

"Yeah, we'll talk again." I hear a softness in your voice that I don't normally detect. Maybe its just sensitive old me. Click

As I put down the phone, there was this certain tinge of longing. Something was lacking, missing. Then I realised it had to be YOU...

wish you were here

2007-04-15T00:49:00.000+08:00

My best friend got married today

Wish you were here to tell me everything's gonna be all right.

comfortable

2007-04-02T06:07:00.000+08:00

"This is gonna cost," I tell myself. Mobile phone charges are astronomical as it is in Australia. Moreover I'm gonna be calling overseas. But then again, I wasn't expecting to be too long on the phone. Heck, you might not even pick up. We'll probably have a few minutes of awkward conversation with me wishing you happy birthday as the highlight of it all.

You pick up after 2 beeps (though it felt like forever) and suddenly, the slight drizzle over Melbourne city felt refreshing rather than dampening.

Me: Hey! Happy birthday!
You: Hey, thanks!

At that point there was a unfamiliar comfort that I have never felt before that's present in your relaxed tone. Maybe cos it's your birthday that you really didn't care who your well-wishers were. One thing's for sure, you sounded happy and that's all that mattered to me.

Me: So how are you gonna celebrate tonight?
You: I'm actually heading to church.
Me: Oh? You're gonna be celebrating with your friends at church?
You: Maybe. But it's more so because of an event at church that I'm going for.
Me: Cools. I'm sorry I didn't organise a gift for you. I've been so busy...
You: That's allright...
Me: So what presents have you received so far? Aside from the one Dawn gave you...
You: Haha, I've received nothing up to this point.
Me: Really? wow...
You: Oh wait, I did get something from my sister from Victoria's secret.
Me: Cools. Now that's something I couldn't get you. There was this perfume I was gonna get you though. It's a new fragrance by Prada called Prada Tendre. Pretty fresh cos its aimed at the younger crowd. Would have been a better choice aside from DKNY Be delicious.
You: I quite like that fragrance. Never gotten around to getting it.
Me: Yeah, I remember you telling me that, which was why I went to have a sniff of it in the first place. Never got around to getting you a bottle. (Incidentally I also remember that you use D&G's Light blue)
You: That's allright.
Me: Say, you picked up the phone pretty quickly this time.
You: Yeah, I knew that it was you.
Me: (surprised) You did? You mean my mobile number is actually appearing on your caller ID?

Truth be told, I was just surprised you had my Australian mobile number stored in your mobile.

You: Yeah. I usually don't pick up from random numbers that I don't recognise cos I'm being stalked recently.
Me: Hey, that's no surprise. You are Miss Popular after all. Would you consider me your stalker?
You: No way, you're not one. (Obviously the self-deprecation wasn't appreciated.)

Feelings of wanting to be your stalwart knight fending off miscreants come to be mind, but the stark reality is I'm a continent away and there are better applicants.

Then it happened.

Me: Hey, I just wanted to let you know I appreciate your friendship. Deep down in my heart of hearts that we won't be together, not in the near future anyway. Which is why i still want to keep this blog going.
You: Yeah, I totally appreciate what you're doing for me.
Me: Hehe...thanks. I had a post recently...
You: Really? (that tone of wonder never ceases to amaze me or fails to brighten my day) I didn't think we had an opportunity to talk...
Me: Yeah we did. You were too busy to notice I guess...

I guess verbalising those words were a powerful release for me. No false expectations, just honest to goodness truth. More importantly I want to let you know how much you mean
to me. The comfort level that I felt was icing on the cake really. And maybe, just maybe, this could be the conversation to change it all.

Reserved

2007-03-05T18:56:00.000+08:00

2 weeks ago, something happened. Your best friend hit a nerve.

me: Well if I'm gonna bring her (read: you) over to Melbourne, I'll probably need 2K.
D: Why? Air tickets don't cost that much.
me: Yeah, true. I wanna take her ballooning though...
D: Will you stop with the romantic shit already? It's not like u doing it will make any of this come to fruition. So she was impressed by your blog. But it's more like a instant reaction than anything else. A grand gesture that was, at best, appreciated for the moment.

Maybe that's the reason for this entry. I'd be lying if I said I don't have anything to prove. And what exactly what am I trying to prove? My persistence? After hitting a brick wall time after time? Or is stupidity a better term? Maybe I just wanna let you know that I am active in my pursuit of you, albeit a more subtle and less in-your-face approach.

Over time I tend to not say what I really feel cos I know of that barrier that gets automatically erected by you when faced with an uncomfortable disposition. But it's only human to do it and I don't blame you. I do it too. So I got another practice run of being reserved, or learning to be so, yesterday.

me: hey...
you: hey, wassup?
me: nothing, I called because...I can... (which really means I called because I miss you)
you: oh, okay...(awkward laugh ensues)
me: I tried calling you back the other day after your test but nobody picked up
you: test? what test? I've been going through so many tests of late, it's been crazy...
me: you know, the online test you were taking the other day...

At that point I was informed that it was more of an aptitude test for an internship. It doesn't take a genius to figure out how passionate you were over this. A raised tone, faster speech. The subtleties, or should I say the obvious signs, were not unnoticed. You mention the various openings- some start-ups, others more well-established. You go through the pros and cons and I was just happy to listen.

I then mention a faux pas on my part. I greeted an aquantaince with "hello gorgeous" when I was reminded of our relationship-aquantainces. I assumed it wasn't much of an issue as the locals wouldn't so much bat an eyelid. it was meant to be a compliment but after that greeting I was termed "cheeky". The English can be an uptight bunch. Having interacted with said lady for a couple weeks now, with extended trips to the beach (along with a bunch of other sun worshipping people) an hour away from Melbourne, I thought the familiarity was there-obviously I thought wrong. I then mention my peeling skin due to sunburn, which you reply with mock disgust.

Then silence. If but for a second. Something I've never been comfortable with. Maybe it's the inherent asian trait that dislikes the awkwardness that's associated with it. I mention that I should get to bed and you best get back to studying. Nothing more of excuse really. You ask me what time is it over there and I mention the 3 hour time difference. What I take as a sign of you prolonging the conversation becomes an illusion as you say "bye" with lightning quick efficiency. I do the same, asking you to take care. As I hang up the phone, I mentally kicking myself for cutting short the conversation while simultaneously reminding myself that there is always a next time. Maybe. Hopefully. Reservedly.

truthful

2006-11-28T11:09:00.000+08:00

I called to let you know what a huge bullshitter I've been. Not so much to you, but life in general. For as long as I can remember I do the minimum to get by because I haven't found a direction. And I've decided to tell you the truth knowing full well that if there was any attraction to start with, it'd be reduced to none. But I want you to know that there's a paradigm shift in my thought processes as well. That I've started to plan for my future. A future that encompasses God's plan in my life.

You start with how you're looking forward to go back and start an F&B business. That there was an earlier opportunity which you've missed. That you could be successful if you've taken the bull by its horns. I listen, quiet due to awe.

"So why do you sound so breathless?" I queried. "Oh, I'm heading to this school to do community work every Monday and Wednesday. I'm walking there cos taking a bus takes longer."

I talk of my plans to be a teacher. That I won't be the richest but I know I'll be fulfilled. You say different. That I may be the richest, just not in monetary terms. I could learn so much from you, if only you knew...

Surprised

2006-11-22T09:54:00.000+08:00

It started innnocently enough with a simple "hi"on MSN. You were at work, so I wasn't expecting much. Like I normally do. I learnt early in life to not expect much so that the dissapointments hurt nowhere as much. A response flashes across the screen. "Hello". For a moment I was wondering what it feels like to exist as your personal keyboard. Something integral to your life, given the crazy hours you work, yet wouldn't give you much grief if I was broken. Ah, to have your tender touch...

"So watcha been up to for the weekend? Busy? Been trying to get you but nobody picked up."
" Yeah, been busy. Call me at my office. Its xxxxxxxxxx ext 32"
My heart skipped a beat. You asking me to call you at work? That's akin to striking lottery. "How long do you wanna talk for?" you ask. I don't mince words. "As long as you can afford"

You pick up within seconds. Hey, not gonna say no to efficiency.

"I'll be back on the 8th", you say. "Oh? 2 days earlier?" a tinge of surprise added to my tone.
me: So you'll have accomodation back at uni when you get back?
you: Maybe. I'm trying to apply for accomodation at the hall. Not sure if I'll get it.
me: It's gonna be a bitch travelling to school everyday if you don't get it. But hey, you can have me as your chauffeur for a month if you don't get it. My sister goes to school round your area. I could pick you up if schedule allows it.

Truth is, I would pick you up even if my sister wasn't studying in the vicinity. But you'd just say no because it's too much trouble. I guess it's just me wanting to see as much of you as possible. Silly? Maybe. Tell me a better way for me to let you know how I feel. Because in your prescence I feel helpless...

enough

2006-10-29T19:09:00.000+08:00

I've had enough. I fail to understand the fact that when I call, or according to some random best friend, when anybody calls, chances are you'd be doing something else. When someone calls they expect undivided attention most of the time. I call because I care, I want to hear what's been going on in your life. Instead I hear you talk and the talking is directed at someone else. The constant "hey" and "hello" just to get your attention is grating on my nerves. Is that a character flaw I should look at? That you're constantly trying to do everything at once? I wish I knew. I wish I didn't like you as much as I do...

2006-10-22T22:13:00.000+08:00

John Legend - Save Room

These words constantly swirl in my heard, if only you knew

doubtful

2006-10-22T22:05:00.000+08:00

I give up. Rather I'm on the verge of giving up. I called cos it was my birthday. Sure I turn 26. Thought it would be a good birthday gift to myself, to hear your voice. Maybe you didn't wish me happy birthday cos you already did so when you saw me online. Instant messaging someone doesn't count. Well it was rather forced, you must admit. Had to coerce it outta you. Can't say I enjoyed it.

Maybe it was the combination of my birthday and and the fact that I didn't get enough sleep; I started to reminisce. About my young and carefree days as a 5 year old. About how my aunts and uncles would squeeze into a 3 room flat when I was under my granny's care. About how I got ostracised when I got my results from my 1st semester in primary one cos I got 8th place and not the top 3. My granny as well my aunts gave me so much grief on that day that it probably scarred me deeply till this day. Only when mom came home did she provide me with the comfort I so desperately needed.

I then asked for response only to get a "huh, sorry I was watching TV." I was crushed. I wish you would do more talking. I sorta thought that aloud. You said, " but I don't know what to say". I was dissapointed, almost to the point of disgust. To think that you were that disinterested. Was I being too sensitive? Maybe, but i doubt it.

passion

2006-10-18T15:46:00.000+08:00

It didn't take long for you to pick up this time. I was glad. There wasn't a time I would call and think to myself, "I wish she wouldn't pick up the phone." That would just be silly.

I caught you at a good time. You just came back the movie Flag of our fathers. To think I was gonna call you an hour earlier.

So I was mistaken. That dinner date with the bus driver didn't happen. Was never gonna happen. Hey, I wouldn't think anything about a 8 year difference. But apparently you do.

The mundane chatter came. To tell you the truth I hate it. Cos its just space-fillers. I do the filling most of the time. I wanna hear you talk. I want to know what you feel, think and ponder about. What drives you. What fulfils you. What turns you on. And finally I hit jackpot. We talk about work. Not just "work" work, more like the people at work. The people that inspire you. People with passion. People with drive. Peolple who have made it big. You enjoy your work because people see how hardworking you are. That you enjoy where you work and at what you do. That people see the potential enough that they are willing to spend $100k for a 5 year working visa for you. I am impressed, to say the least.

"Why not do it then? The money's good." " Too long...I wanna stay with my family," you said. I begin to make a wrong move. The 1st step towards a chess game with me getting checkmate. I start with how it would be wise to look at working elsewhere aside from our homeland. Where the money is better, there is a better political voice from the people and there is greater tarnsparency with the government. The fact that our democracy is joke. I want good things for my family. The fact that our retirement ages have been pushed up so that our government can give us our super back later due to lousy overseas investments is rather blatant. That we are ranked 147th by the RSF tells us of our lack of a free press. That our government is not all that transparent. Then came the challenge. "Well, if you say there is a lack of transparency, surely there is a basis for comparison." I don't give an example of a country where there is more transparency, I give one of less. "Well Cambodia would be a bad example. The guy in charge sells the property of its citizens-property which is rightfully owned by the people, to developers behind their backs." Check.

"I'm gonna stay. I'm grateful for what my country has given me", you say. " I let out a wry laugh. "Looks like nothing I say now will make me NOT look like ungrateful bastard." Don't get me wrong. I'm grateful for my education. The roof over my head. But there is something wrong about our political system. The party isn't ruled by bad people. It's just that the issues faced by the current generation isn't what it used to be. A political party that rose to power by delivering on its promises during turbulent times-food, shelter, economic stability, law and order, was good then. Disciplining a nation, if you might.Not now though. You would talk differently to a 5 year old compared to a 25 year old,wouldn't you? The parent silences the voice of the 25 year old with duct tape. The 25 year old has hands. You amputate his arms and he has feet. You cut those off, and he will use his tongue to remove the duct tape. And mind you, getting the duct tape off hurts. This pain he will remember and remember it well. When he does have a voice he will shout. And shout loudly he will.

"Just look at Chiam," I say. "Can we both agree on the fact that he's trying to do good by the people?" I take your silence as a yes. "So can you tell me why his constituency looks like a slum?" Your reply rattles me. "Hey, that's life. Good things happen to bad people. We just have to take it as it is." I begin to wonder if you were as left as I thought you were. "So to you the Government and the ruling party are the same?" The reply was yes. "Then that's all I needed to know." I said. "Hey, are you on facebook?" you ask. "I thought that was an american thing. Is there facebook.com.au?" Just then the mobile rings. An unimportant called I should've ignored. I ask you to wait for moment. By the time I came back to the phone you were gone. Check.

I had to ask Heather a few questions regarding work. But our conversation still gnawed at me. Before I left I asked,"Is it a bad idea to talk about politics with the person you're interested in?" Her reply was that it would be good to find out because what kind of political inclinations that 2 people have determines their compatibility in a way. A person's political beliefs is a manifestation of their inherent nature. A left and and a right will never get along.
And to think that I thought opposites attract. Checkmate.

hopeful

2006-10-15T14:02:00.000+08:00

This could jolly well be phone conversation #XXXX but let's call it #1. The day my life which was a mess, the day I called hoping to have some semblance of a conversation with you. Don't get me wrong, I love calling you. I love hearing your voice. But you say so little. And when you do say something it's not hugely important. Details really. You keep your cards close to your heart. For fear of someone discovering what lies within and like a thief in the night, steals away what little that you guard, that little bit within all of us, that little bit of dignity, that little bit of self-respect, that little bit we lay bare when we let someone into our heart.

Today was no different. I called with no expectation of you picking up. It's like going to the casino; you go expecting to lose but when you walk out a winner it's some sort of a bonus. But you do and the dance begins.

I read this a couple of days before and I was slightly concerned. Slightly because I know you're a strong woman. I like you for a lot of reasons, one of which includes your mental resolve. The call begins with me asking you about the incident, asking you if the whole ordeal was embarrassing. Turns out there were only the 2 of you on the bus. And it seems like you guys are on the way to being fast friends, seeing that a dinner date was on the way.

You're occupied, as usual. I hear friends in the background. I don't really care. I just wanna hear you talk. The conversation doesn't necessarily have to involve me. You read out something in mandarin. I let out a smile. I've never heard you speak in mandarin before. And to hear you read out a whole passage, thats was absolute gold.

You ask me about the trip to Melbourne in April. That surprised me. I've asked you a couple of months back and you didn't exactly commit, saying "I'd like to go, depending on my schedule." April 2007 will be a very important time for me, for my best friend is getting married. And I'd like to share that moment with you. And maybe, just maybe , you really wanted to share that moment with me too.

You told me that he called. That you were surprised as he hasn't called in a while. That he wants to get back with you. I try to talk normally but my mind was already racing. I ask you if you were interested. To my knowledge he was a closed chapter in your life. But a little knowlegde is a dangerous thing. Just like pocket aces, they lure you into a false sense of security. And really, what do I know about what you think? Hoping, wishing, praying, almost begging that you would say "no", and you do. I try to be the bigger person. Lies, all lies. I wish I could have you here with me right and tell you that I already know who I want to spend the rest of my life with. But you'd run away, because you're not ready. So I say, "take your time, you can decide later."

The phone call ends, and I resolve to be someone new. Someone godly enough to take care of you. Someone for you to lean on. Someone who tells you you're the most beautiful person in the room and means it. For I have asked God to put a little of me in your heart, that I may occupy a little room within those chambers. Maybe I'm reading too much, but I think you're opening up to me. And for that I can only be hopeful.